When was the last time you fed your soul?

I was told to never make a decision while bleeding and I probably shouldn’t. Since it’s that time of the month, I’m going ahead and do this anyway in a hope that it will help me grow.

I have always been scared of what people would think of, what they would say if they were to meet me. Not the girl I appear to be most of the times, but me; my flaws and all.

I swear my own mother hasn’t met me. She knows my face but not my soul. Because I wanted to be perfect (a word cannot even define) so much that I never gave her or anyone else the chance to meet me; and my life has been nothing but miserable.

I have a son, who hardly recognises my existence and only sees me twice a year, 3 times if he’s lucky. I was so young when I got him, that’s the only thing that I wanted to do after giving birth. I wanted to show everyone else that I still had it in me that I could still be cheesy, classy and still be able to go out every now and then. And that robbed me the most precious gift of being a mother.

Now that my son looks at me like a lost soul and has no interest in calling me a mother or at least pronounce my name right. I managed to fool my mother into believing that I was doing alright and I would soon be a Business Analyst. But the truth is, I wish I stayed up at night feeding my son a bottle or at least bathed him when it was bath time than to let my mom do it on her own. I wish I would have stayed home and went on to those doctors visit with him. I wish I knew his favourite colour and what he loves doing. But no, I was too focused on being the IT girl posting pictures on social media fooling everyone else into believing that I had the so-called “perfect” life.

I wish I had told my family that it wasn’t for me, than to waste four years of my life that I will never get back. I wish I had told them how unhappy I was doing that not even good grades would fool me.

So here is to everyone trying to be everything that everyone expects them to be. There is no joy in being perfect in the eyes of the world if you not happy with whom you are. Be yourself no matter the cost, everything else ends and karma is a bitch. I learned my lessons the hard way and I’m happy to say that I’m becoming all that I was too afraid to show; and if I’m not good enough for you then I’m not for you.

Hey, I’m Ngobeni Phoslinah and I’m finding my way.

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